Attracting Narcissists - How Low Self-Esteem Is A Learned Response

According to research, low self-esteem and low self-worth are often learned responses that develop over time in response to a range of environmental factors. For example, children who grow up in homes where they are criticised or belittled, or where their accomplishments are not acknowledged or celebrated, are more likely to develop negative self-beliefs. Similarly, experiences of rejection, failure, or trauma can also contribute to low self-esteem and self-worth.

If we are brought up in a controlling environment, for example, where one parent dominates over the other, either overtly (it’s obvious to see) or covertly (where it’s less easy to see, and perhaps projected onto the other parent being the difficult one - this is where it gets very confusing), we are influenced by it. If there is substance abuse, lack, struggle, hardship, stress, we are influenced by it.

This might seem like common sense. But it’s also NORMAL. Which is the biggest danger to being able to notice and adapt to the negative aspects we’ve learned in our childhood, when realising we are feeling stuck as adults.

It’s difficult to notice what’s habituated and ‘normal’ to us. This is true of our senses, our belief systems and in the development of our brains too.

In terms of our senses, I love the simple example of a farmer smelling glorious, fresh air each day, yet when someone from the city comes to the farm they almost choke on the stench. Similarly, the farmer in the city can’t believe how people live in this smog, that literally turns their snot, their bogies brown - you can see the disgusting pollution!

We understand that over time, a sense that is constantly triggered, in this case the specific ‘smell’ of the different environments, becomes normal, meaning that the response from the olfactory receptors to the brain no longer trigger a response. So the brain ignores the signal from the olfactory senses, as there is no change and we are no long able to detect the ‘smell’ that the outsider experiences so strongly.

That’s the sensors, what about our beliefs?

We develop our belief system from our environment, our values, what’s good, what’s bad and what’s being fed to us from the people that influence us most. We know that it’s not we’re ‘TOLD’ that influences us most, but what we are ‘SHOWN.’ Meaning that if we are brought up in an environment of financial struggle, lack and hardship for example, where people with wealth are discussed with contempt and aggression, then we can form negative beliefs about money and people with money. This can lead to a life of perhaps not wanting the financial struggle, yet subconsciously pushing any wealth away from our situations. 

Similarly, if we are brought up ‘walking on eggshells’ around a parent that is an alcoholic, we may become conditioned to adjusting our behaviour so as not to enrage or attract the negative attention of that parent. This can lead to the belief that we are not good enough, for example and that we need to be submissive to another. And while we may learn to hate this behaviour, or alcohol for example, we may subconsciously attract and be far too accepting of dominant people in our lives without even noticing.

Our beliefs are so difficult to see because they are so normal to us, like the sensory triggers, we don’t notice them and it can take woking with a coach or therapist to unearth what they are and how they are constantly steering us.

So what’s the development of the Brain got to do with this?

Well, science has shown how, in our formative years especially (0-7) that our environmental factors influence the actual development of our brains. For example, if there is a lot of stress in our environment, the brain can develop a specific response to that trigger of stress, either becoming more or less receptive to it through the neurochemicals or inhibitors produced within the brain. This hard-wires us in how we respond to stress, which means that we might find stress more difficult to deal with and we might be more likely to experience anxiety or we become less receptive to stress, meaning we are not as affected by stress as other people.

Scientist can show this process developing within the brain and track the impact it has on the actual physical development of our brain.

Science has taken this further. A pregnant woman experiencing stress, for example, passes her stress hormones into her unborn baby through the umbilical chord and these hormones inform the  physical development of the baby’s brain while in the womb so our environment affects the development of the brain even before we are born.