FREEDOM From Narcissistic Abuse

By Will Perry

New Year, New Me.

And Why Low Self-Esteem Says Not.

Will Power Doesn’t Work!

New Year's resolutions are a common way for people to set goals for themselves and make positive changes in their lives, based on visualisation and will power, maybe you’ve set one?

However, the success rate of New Year's resolutions is not particularly high and if you have low self-esteem your odds of success are even lower.

Why Do Most Resolutions Fail?

I gave up alcohol almost 6 years ago and did it in one decision, set a date and stuck to it. Cold turkey. Sure it was tough going for a while, with the first few days being the most challenging. But as I developed my new habit of not drinking, my resolve became easier.

So you might think that I would be pretty good at resolutions - right?

Well, I’ve learned a few things on my self-development journey as a Coach and someone who likes to practice what they preach. And there are 5 scientifically proven steps that help us overcome our bad habits.

I had never ‘tried’ (i.e. failed) to stop drinking before and this was the BIG one for me. I drank, not socially but consistently, every day, at least half a bottle of wine. More at the weekend - because, hey, it’s the weekend - right?

I never liked to admit how much of an emotional crutch it was for me. How much it relaxed me and made me feel better about myself and the World, but it did.

Even though I suspected it was dulling my senses in some ways and that I was burying my head in the sand to something.

I was addicted to smoking previously, but gave it up when my wife at the time and I were trying for a baby. She was putting herself and her body through so much to have the best chance of conceiving that it seemed only fair that I stopped smoking.

So I knew I could stick at things when I needed to.

Yet I strongly resisted even acknowledging that my alcohol consumption was an issue, a problem or that I would or could ever stop. I just couldn’t see it. I dismissed the thoughts and carried on.

And one time, I think it was around May, my wife was off on a week-long work trip with the company she worked for, which meant I had the kids. We had a lot of kids. At that time it was two of hers, two of mine that visited and one we had together, and that little one was only about a year old at that time. So I had my hands full but I was the stay-at-home-dad so it wasn’t like I wasn’t used to it.

But a week solo was still quite a big thing. So she organised the shopping to be delivered and stocked the pantry with alcohol for me.

Really stocked it. Got all the things she knew I liked and far too much of everything.

I was both shocked and reassured by the amount, which I noticed - that sense of reassurance, that I'd be OK. That was a bit of a flag.

And half-way through the week, I realised I was making excuses for myself, for drinking at lunchtime. Looking after all the kids was challenging and stressful… and I found myself wanting to reach for the alcohol.

I was up through the night with the baby, as I was every night, but there was no let-up with my wife being away, breakfast, school runs, lunch, school runs, dinner, baths, clothes washing - this is just normal stuff but it was a little more full-on than normal.

The next day I noticed I was looking at the clock to see what time I could have a drink - uh-oh, only 11am!

Then after a lunchtime drink, it was how long before I can start drinking for the evening, 5pm is OK - Right?

I was never drunk or lost my senses, yet I liked that comfort of having a drink by my side.

And that’s when I realised that something was wrong. The drink had a hold of me, I was really stressed, I didn’t know why but I knew I had to take control.

There were lots of other factors involved, I was failing at my business, my self-esteem was low, my environment stressed me and I had questions over my relationship patterns that confused me.

But I could finally see how alcohol wasn’t helping me, that it was just a cover.

And it was a cold, hard realisation.

So I knew I had to stop.

Yet I hate waste, that’s a big value, installed by my mother, "Finish your plate Willy!"

I couldn’t leave or dispose of that alcohol so instead, I decided to see out the week, consuming every last drop of that alcohol, and then STOP.

And the closer I got to the end of each glass or bottle, the more sure and determined I became.

But it wasn’t ‘Will Power’ (even though my name is Will) that got me through.

Why 92% Of Resolutions Fail.

According to a study by the University of Scranton, about 40% of Americans make New Year's resolutions, but only about 8% of them are successful in achieving their goals.

This means that the majority of people who make resolutions do not end up achieving them.

There are a number of reasons why New Year's resolutions may be unsuccessful. One reason is that people often set unrealistic goals for themselves, which can be difficult to achieve. Another reason is that people may not have a clear plan for how to achieve their goals, or they may not be committed to the changes they want to make.

But there are 5 clear steps that science supports, which help you in changing bad habits.

So What Do The 8% Do?

Despite the low success rate, making New Year's resolutions can still be a useful way to set goals and make positive changes. If you have made a resolution, it can be helpful to set specific, achievable goals, and to have a plan in place for how to achieve them. It can also be helpful to enlist the support of friends, family, or other support to help you stay on track.

Bad habits can be difficult to change for a variety of reasons. First, let's define what we mean by a "bad habit." A bad habit is a behaviour that is negative and/or harmful to ourselves or others, and which we would like to change. Some common examples of bad habits include procrastination, overeating, smoking, and excessive drinking.

But if we look a little deeper, the way we think about ourselves is a habit too.

If we have low self-worth and low self-esteem we think negatively about ourselves and our capabilities, yet because habits reside in our subconscious, it can be difficult to acknowledge this.

A key reason that bad habits can be difficult to change is that they become ingrained in our subconscious and our daily routines - they just seem and feel ‘normal.’

When we repeat a behaviour over and over again, it can become automatic and we may not even think about it. For example, if you always have a cigarette after dinner, it can be difficult to break this habit because it has become part of your routine.

Habits are neural pathways that are repeated over time to the extent that they become reliable and fast neural super-highways in your brain. These neural super-highways are made up of many neural pathways that become permanently connected. The electrical impulses have been scientifically proven to travel faster along these neural super-highway than a newly formed habit or belief.

5 Proven Steps To Take.

So what are the 5 Steps that you need to take in order to overcome your bad habit?

Step #1 Stress. A big factor that can make changing bad habits difficult is stress. When we are under a lot of stress, we may turn to our bad habits as a way to cope. For example, if you are feeling overwhelmed at work, you might turn to smoking or drinking as a way to relax. This can create a cycle where the bad habit becomes a way to deal with stress, which can in turn create more stress. So being able to manage your stress levels is key to being able to break your old habit and create a new one. For me, that meant I had to start acknowledging why I was so stressed and how to change my state enough to be able to start taking control. This can be a big step in itself and is why the support of talking to someone who understands and has been through it themselves, is so useful.

Step #2 Triggers. These play a role in the development and maintenance of bad habits. Triggers are external cues that cause us to engage in a particular behaviour. For example, seeing an advertisement for fast food might trigger the desire to eat unhealthy food. Identifying and understanding your triggers is an important step in being able to change a bad habit. So notice what your triggers or cues are for the habit you want to overcome, so that you can actively plan around them and make it easier on yourself. For me it was key times of the day, especially the evening so I had to plan my alternative behaviour especially at those times.

Step #3 Focus. When it comes to changing a bad habit, it can be tempting to focus on stopping that behaviour. However, research has shown that trying not to think of something is unsuccessful. Instead of trying to stop a bad habit, it's more effective to send the brain in a better direction. If I say to you “don’t think of a pink Elephant now” then to understand that command, you first have to picture it - Right? So replacing your bad habit with a new, healthier behaviour is key. For example, instead of trying to stop smoking, you might try replacing the habit with a new activity like going for a walk or practicing deep breathing.

Step #4 Reason. You need a better reason to quit than you do to continue. Your new habit has to be better in a BIG way than the one it’s replacing and you need to be fully bought-in to that reason. For example, when I gave up smoking, I was doing it in order to become a father, not just any old father but I wanted to be the best father I could be. So you need to be emotionally connected with WHY you’re doing this, it should be really clear. When I decided to give up alcohol, I found out that there were much deeper issues I was masking with alcohol. So my reason for giving up alcohol became big. It moved me. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, yet I realised that I felt very scared and vulnerable when I thought about what my alcohol consumption was hiding within me. I wanted to become mentally strong, in control of myself and to think positively about myself and my achievements. And that became quite a journey within itself.

Step #5 Will Power. Another factor that can make changing bad habits difficult is the limited supply of will power. Will power is the ability to resist temptation and make decisions that are in line with our goals. While we all have some degree of will power, it is a limited resource and can become depleted if we use it too frequently. This is why we need to make changes to our environment to make it easier to engage in healthy behaviours and avoid bad habits. If I had left my alcohol habit to will power alone, I would have failed but I approached this habit holistically. Because my self-belief was low, I knew my will power would run out quickly, leaving me feeling worse than before. This is why people yo-yo with diets - they feel bad and their old habit, which never go away, kick back in to ‘save the day’ because they don’t have an alternative or better habit in place.

It might seem like common sense, yet these 5 Steps have been scientifically proven to help you successfully change habits.

And it’s interesting to note that these bad habits, these neural super-highways in our brain don’t go away, we just re-direct the electrical impulses in our brains in a better direction, creating new habits.

Whether a new habit takes 21 days, 66 days, 120 or 240 days to reliably form depends on you, these 5 steps and the habits you’re wanting to form but when we are successful, we have created a new neural super-highway in our brains, for good.

So why am I saying that changing habits is more difficult if you have low self-esteem?

Conclusion.

Changing bad habits can be difficult because they become part of our routine, we may use them to cope with stress, they have triggers, and our will power is a limited resource.

Our habits are a complex system of processes, triggers and mechanisms that influence our thinking and behaviour in a certain way. And it is mostly subconscious to us.

So what makes changing this complex system of processes, triggers and mechanisms more difficult if you have low self-esteem?

If you consider low self-esteem, low self-worth and a lack of self-belief as an already established complex system of processes, triggers and mechanisms that influence your thinking and behaviour, then you might start to see that there are many layers to this subject.

Alcohol for me was numbing the pain of these deeper complex system of processes, triggers and mechanisms that influenced my thinking and behaviour about myself in a negative way.

It caused me to self-sabotage my success. It caused me to give away my control. It caused me to stay quiet, when I wanted to speak up. It caused me to smile, when I wanted to shout-out or cry. It caused me to quash my true feelings. It caused me to think I was useless, ugly, not good enough and that I needed someone strong to cary me through life.

That’s BIG stuff is it not?

And I had no idea that these thoughts ran so deep within me - I thought I was OK, just a little confused as to why I was so stressed and not succeeding in the way I wanted to be.

To discover I was thinking this way, when I was already a self-professed self-esteem coach was pretty shocking to me.

Being a self-esteem Coach with low self-esteem is pretty conflicting. That's why my brain was doing it’s own cover-up job - 'have a drink, it’ll all be OK.'

That’s addiction.

And it wasn’t OK.

That’s why I’m now proud to say I'm a self-esteem coach, because I’ve been through the process and I finally understand it.

Taking control of your stress, focusing on replacing the bad habit with a new, healthier behaviour and making changes to our environment, we can increase our chances of success massively.

It’s what the 8% do.

And there are lots of Health or PT Coaches out there that can help with many aspects of fitness, health and wellbeing for you, yet if you have these deeper complex system of processes, triggers and mechanisms associated with low self-esteem, low self-worth and a lack of self-belief then you will continue to sabotage your own progress.

If you have low self-esteem, low self-worth and a lack of self-belief then you need to work on THAT FIRST and I can help.

If you what you want to give up being too agreeable with people, being too kind and stop being taken advantage of, I can help.

If you are in a controlling relationship, I can help you ESCAPE in just 90 Days.

I can help you take your control back so that you no longer attract people with Narcissistic traits into your Life.

I used these 5 steps to become Vegan 5 years ago too. So I know I can make big changes and stick to them.

But, I’m not telling you that you shouldn’t drink alcohol or consume animal products, yet what I will encourage you to do is TAKE CONTROL of the things that are feeling out of control or just not serving you in your life.

Whatever you set as your goals for this year, make sure you use these 5 Steps to help your success and put you in the 8%

If you want to take the free self-esteem test, it's a quick and simple, 2min test which is a good start for revealing if your self-esteem is too low. You can take the test HERE. You don’t need to enter any details, it’s completely confidential.

If you find your score is low and you want to understand how to improve it, the first step I take my clients through is my short, on-line '12 Days To Decide' programme.

This step helps you to highlight the dominant, negative patterns so you can see the real problem - this step only costs £47 and includes direct time with me so you get the benefit of my experience and I even put a money back guarantee in place too, so there's absolutely no risk to you: use THIS LINK for more information.

Here's to being in the 8%

Loves you boyo

Will

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