FREEDOM From Narcissistic Abuse

By Will Perry

The Narcissist, Emotional Abuse And How Low Self-Esteem Links The Two.

And Why Healthy Self-Esteem Is Essential But Often Missing.

What We'll Cover In This Blog:

Definition of emotional abuse
Examples of emotional abuse
The effects of emotional abuse on the victim
How to recognise if you are being emotionally abused
Seeking help and support
How to address and stop emotional abuse in your relationship
The importance of setting boundaries and seeking healthy relationships
Resources for those experiencing emotional abuse

A Definition Of Emotional Abuse:

Emotional abuse is a type of abuse that involves the use of non-physical means to control, intimidate, or manipulate someone.

This type of abuse is most often experienced in romantic relationships where there is commitment, beyond what could be referred to as the ‘honeymoon’ phase for example, such as sharing a home together, getting married or having a child together.

It can involve verbal abuse, such as name-calling or belittling, as well as nonverbal forms of abuse, such as manipulation or isolation. It always precedes physical abuse, yet doesn’t always lead to physical abuse.

Here Are Some Examples Of Emotional Abuse:

Crazy-making (sometimes referred to as ‘Head-F*!?ing’ or ‘Gaslighting’)

This is when the abuser will set to exhaust and confuse you by distorting or undermining your own perceptions of reality and your memory of what happened, perhaps using a variety of techniques in close succession. Crazy accusations that you ‘fancy’ someone, that you’re having an affair, that you moved the sugar bowl on purpose (oh yes, it really can get to this level!). The intention and often reality is that the victim will question their own sanity and that’s not a great place to be.

For example, if you confront them about their outburst or accusation, they may insist ‘I never said that’ or ‘I don't know what you're talking about, this is what I have to put up with, you’re crazy, I do all this for you and what thanks do I get? You accuse me of this! Thanks a lot, really nice, I love you too, but that’s the sad thing, I really do, perhaps I shouldn’t do nice things for you, perhaps I should treat you like all your other boyfriends have, in fact, this is why they treat you like this isn’t it - it’s you, not them! Maybe I should let go and just move on, perhaps that’s what you really want?” You get the picture, it can go on, and on, and on, yet the problem is that all the time you’re trying to understand the logic in the argument, to keep up with what they’re saying, to make progress, to resolve the situation.

But there is no logic to it and you’re on a hiding to nothing.

Minimising

Minimising is a form of denial that fits beautifully into the crazy-making bracket because the abuser denies something that’s happened or perhaps you’ve both discussed before, maybe a week ago, a day ago or just a moment ago. They may deny that a particular event occurred or they may question your perception or reaction to an event. Statements such as "you're being too sensitive again... you're just exaggerating” or “you're blowing this out of all proportion as usual" clearly suggest that you’re not be trusted, that your perception of reality is not to be trusted.

Stating that something isn’t as important or as significant as you feel it is can be so undermining and the intention of course is to make you feel that it is YOU that is being petty, that it’s YOU who is in the wrong. This can be so confusing, especially when it’s done time and time and time again, undermining your confidence and self-trust.

Withholding

Withholding is another brilliant form of denial control or punishment, that includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, becoming emotionally, physically or sexually distant and this can extend to limiting access to finances too. This is a big one! It can be the ‘silent treatment’ either with that deftness of touch that makes you feel you’re pestering and you’re being the unreasonable one, down to the more direct silence, with bucket-loads of those ‘if-looks-could-kill’ glances.

Or it could be a never-ending trail of “yes, we’ll talk about this later” where ‘later’ never seems to come. Abusers take control over the situation so that whenever you try to bring the subject up, they divert you away from the subject you want to discuss and because of your low self-esteem, you accept it, which seems crazy a little while later when you think about it, leaving you with those ‘why didn’t I just say…’ thoughts.

Withholding the finances is also a very damaging and direct form of control, especially when the narcissist is the sole earner in the household. This is a classic form of manipulation and control and the effect can be devastating, it can feel like it strips away your dignity, your freedom and your identity. It can also link with Isolation as this directly limits your ability to interact with the outside world.

Isolation

This is such a subtle yet devastating tactic used by most abusers, one that victims often don’t notice until it’s too late. The reason it’s so subtle is that it feels like you are making the decision not to see your friends and family, just this once and it doesn’t feel like a big thing in the moment, yet there’s a gradual wall of isolation being built-up around you and you don’t even notice.

Sometimes the abuser gently turns you against your friends and family, very subtly and gradually, influencing you to see sides of your friends and family that perhaps you haven’t noticed before; how selfish they are perhaps or attitudes that are quite annoying and over time you might start questioning ‘How did I put up with them for so long?’ All the time your abuser feels like your greatest supporter.

Other times it can be very overt, where the abuser is angry and obvious in their displeasure about having to see someone connected to you, so to avoid an outburst, it feels easier to change your plans. Over time it might feel awkward and embarrassing to keep making excuses to your Friends or Family so you start to avoid these situations altogether.

You can see how this works - Right? It’s subtle manipulation.

Dominating

Dominating is another form of control that can easily be disguised as ‘help’ which makes it all the more difficult to notice. Helping can involve all sorts of ‘feedback’ yes, you’ve got it ‘that’ sort of feedback, the feedback that the worst boss in the world would give (yes he was probably abusive too, I’ve worked in the corporate world and seen it all before!). It’s criticising, advising, offering ‘solutions’, analysing, probing and questioning in such a way that it puts you down perfectly and makes you feel so utterly small and stupid.

Taking charge because you can’t be trusted to do it yourself, you’re not good/smart enough so you need to be taken charge of. Domination can also be “because I say so.” As you can imagine, domination takes many different forms.

Aggression

This dominating pattern of communication, which is common to all forms of verbal abuse, is most obvious when the abuser takes a verbally aggressive stance. This includes name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggression is generally direct and obvious, the position the abuser assumes is of judging, in order to invalidate you and undermine the equality and autonomy that are essential to all healthy adult relationships. Many times this can be threatening too, with objects being broken, fists being waved in your face or being pushed around, physical force that you might feel isn’t quite domestic violence, yet its making a very strong point - and not a nice one.

The intention is to intimidate you and keep you in your place.

Fear

This for some is pretty much a constant in their relationship. Fear of waking the beast, a constant feeling of ‘walking on eggshells’ so as not to be criticised, shouted at or told to do something you don’t want to do. Being threatened, shouted at, having a fist waved in your face or the threat of something worse. This can easily apply to your children, pets or positions too - the threat that they will harm something you care about if you don’t comply with their needs, wants and demands.

Obviously not a healthy place to be.

Jealousy

Abusers are often very jealous, especially of your happiness (though this is very difficult to see until you really start noticing the patterns) and it’s all due to their insecurity. They protect their insecurity by attacking you and ‘taking that smile off your face’ - they then feel satisfied, which is horrid of course, yet (crucially) they only feel better for a while.

Victims often recount stories of how their abuser accuses them of the most ludicrous liaisons, affairs or attractions towards their bosses, workmates, neighbour's, friends and even family. It’s a controlling behaviour that makes the victim have to work hard with the abuser to assure them that this is not the case at all, it entwines you into an absurd reality, into their control, which is a very confusing and frustrating place to be.

Victims often feel they have to surrender to whatever the abuser needs, in order to feel secure; texting every 30min when out with friends, calling every hour, having to show their phone when they get back. It can be so exhausting and accusatory.

Many of these forms of abuse overlap, yet they all have the need for power and control at their centre.

The Effects Of Emotional Abuse On The Victim:

Self-Esteem: Emotional abuse further damages an individual's self-esteem, increasing their already vulnerable sense of worthlessness, inadequacy and incompetence. Over time, this can make them lose all confidence in themselves and doubt their abilities more than ever. The constant criticism, belittling, and negative comments from the abuser can chip away at the victim's self-worth and make them feel like they will never be good enough.

Anxiety and depression: Emotional abuse can cause the victim to experience anxiety and depression, either for the first time or more deeply than before. The constant fear of how the abuser might react to their actions, words or thoughts can increase their anxiety and make them constantly on edge. Moreover, the emotional manipulation and gaslighting used by the abuser can cause the victim to doubt their own reality, leading to feelings of confusion, isolation, and despair.

Stress: Emotional abuse can cause chronic stress in the victim. The constant exposure to negative, dramatic, stressful situations can lead to physical and mental exhaustion, fatigue, and burnout. This can affect their ability to cope with daily life activities and lead to long-term health problems.

Physical symptoms: Emotional abuse can also lead to physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach problems, skin issues, sleeplessness, and immunity problems. The stress and anxiety caused by emotional abuse can trigger physical responses in the body, leading to various health issues.

Trust issues: Emotional abuse further damages an individual's ability to trust others. The abuser's constant lies, manipulation and deceit can make the victim question the motives of others, doubting their intentions. This can make it difficult for the victim to form healthy relationships and engage in social interactions.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): Emotional abuse can lead to PTSD in some cases. The constant exposure to traumatic situations can cause the victim to develop symptoms of PTSD, such as flashbacks, nightmares, and hyper-vigilance. This can have a lasting impact on the victim's mental health and well-being.

Substance abuse: Emotional abuse can also lead to substance abuse in some cases. The victim may turn to drugs or alcohol as a way of coping with the stress, anxiety, and trauma caused by the abuse. The abuse can also lead to addictive behaviours, such as emotional eating, eating disorders, gambling, excessive shopping, sex addictions, all as a coping mechanism to the abuse.

In summary, emotional abuse can have serious and long-lasting effects on the victim's mental and physical health. It is essential for victims of emotional abuse to seek help and support to heal from the trauma and rebuild their lives.

How To Recognise If You Are Being Emotionally Abused:

Please don’t underestimate the difficulty of even being able to admit that you might be in this position, realising that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship can be such a challenging and painful process. Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself if you want to examine if you are being emotionally abused:

Do you might feel confused or uncertain about what is happening in your relationship? Are you be struggling to understand why your partner's behaviour is hurtful or unkind?

Do you feel slightly more isolated or cut off from your friends and family than perhaps you did before the relationship? Emotional abusers often subtly isolate their partners from friends and family, making it difficult to reach out for help or support.

Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells around your partner, conscious to avoid upsetting them, triggering their anger or frustration. It’s a classic expression of an abusive relationships.

Do you feel like you are constantly apologising or trying to make things right, even when you haven't done anything wrong?

Do you experience feelings of anxiety, depression, or low self-worth as a result of your relationship, rather than feeling supported and understood?

Do you let your partner override your decisions, even when you’d perhaps like a different outcome, just to keep the peace?

It’s difficult to create a definitive list because we are all so unique and the main thing we’re fighting here is our own perceptions; a victim will see themselves as the one in the wrong and put their partner on a pedestal until they start to have conflicting thoughts (most don’t), that something might be wrong, and it might not be them.

If a victim is able to start questioning whether they are being abused, they will face challenges to their perceptions of themselves, their partner, and their relationship. They might feel guilty or ashamed for not recognising the signs of emotional abuse sooner or for staying in the relationship for as long as they have. They might also feel conflicted about their partner, feeling love, hate, fear or anger towards them.

It’s important to remember that emotional abuse is never your fault and we all deserve to be in relationships that are healthy, respectful, and supportive.

If you suspect that you may be experiencing emotional abuse, it is essential to reach out for help and support. This can include talking to a trusted friend or family member, seeking professional counseling or therapy, or contacting a domestic violence hotline.

Seeking Help And Support:

If you suspect that you are being emotionally abused, it is important to seek help and support.

Talk to a trusted friend or family member: One of the first steps you can take if you suspect that you are being emotionally abused, is to confide in someone you trust. This can be a close friend, family member, or coworker. They can offer you a listening ear, helping you to process your feelings and experiences. They might not understand the intricacies of narcissistic traits, low self-esteem and emotional abuse, yet they will know what sounds ‘normal’ and ‘right’ to them and it can be quite alarming to discover that what you consider ‘normal’ might be anything but to someone else.

You can seek support from a therapist or counsellor: A therapist or counsellor can provide you with a safe space to talk about your experiences and help you to understand your situation and feelings better, helping you to develop coping strategies. However it is my direct experience and that of most of my clients over the 16+ years I have been coaching in this subject area, that it’s quite rare for classically trained therapists or counsellors to have an in-depth knowledge of the intricacies of narcissistic traits, low self-esteem and emotional abuse. However, I’m sure this is gradually changing as this subject becomes wider knowledge.

Contact a domestic violence hotline: If you are experiencing emotional abuse in a romantic or intimate relationship, you can contact a domestic violence hotline for guidance and resources. Don’t be put-off by the physical nature implied in the name because all domestic abuse situations are based upon emotional abuse so they can provide you with information about local support services, safety planning, and legal options. Hotline operators are trained to offer emotional support, to validate your experiences, and to help you understand your options. However, as you can imagine, the resources they have are more geared towards help and interventions of domestic violence - emotional abuse is much trickier to identify and prove.

Search the internet: When I was needing to understand this information, there really wasn’t much around on the internet and the information out there was very bias towards female victims in domestic abuse, but things have changed, very rapidly over the last 5 years especially and there are now a lot of resources on-line, that you can search to find someone that resonates to you and your situation best.

How To Address And Stop Emotional Abuse In Your Relationship:

If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, there are steps you can take to address and potentially stop the emotional abuse, such as setting boundaries, seeking support from trusted friends and family, and seeking help from a therapist, counsellor or subject specialist.

Setting boundaries: Setting clear and firm boundaries is an important step in addressing emotional abuse. Let your partner know what behaviours are not acceptable and what you will not tolerate. Be specific about your boundaries, and be prepared to enforce them. However, it takes someone with low self-esteem a LOT of work and self-development before they will be at a stage to be able to do this for themselves, which is why they attracted the the abuser (the narcissist) in the first place. Of course every situation is different and there are different levels to the severity of the situation.

Communicate assertively: When you communicate with your partner, it is important to do so assertively. Use "I" statements to express how you feel, and avoid blaming or attacking language. Let your partner know that their behaviour is unacceptable and be clear about what you need from them in order to feel safe and respected. However, narcissists can be very manipulative and combined with the victim’s low self-esteem, it can be very easy for the narcissist to confuse the victim and re-assert themselves into a position of control, which is why talking to an expert on the subject is key.

Seek help from a therapist or counsellor: A therapist or counsellor can help you to develop strategies for coping with emotional abuse and improving your overall mental health and well-being. They can also help you to identify patterns of emotional abuse and develop strategies for setting boundaries and improving communication. They may also be able to help you to build better core beliefs about yourself, which attracted the abuser to you in the first place, which is an essential part of overcoming abuse.

Consider couples therapy: If you are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive, couples therapy may be a helpful tool for addressing the abuse and improving your relationship. However, it is important to note that couples therapy may not be appropriate in all situations, particularly if there is a risk of physical violence. Also, narcissists are cunningly manipulative and may go along with, while subtly undermining the victim, portraying them as the perpetrator. Things can get very tricky for the victim very quickly and of course the therapist can only work with what they see in the room (what the narcissist gives them).

Consider ending the relationship: If the emotional abuse continues despite your efforts to address it, it may be necessary to consider ending the relationship. This can be an exceedingly difficult decision if you are doing it on your own but it is important to prioritise your own safety and well-being. Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and dignity. Having expert advice and support lets you know what you’re really dealing with in your partner and what the likely outcomes will be, making it much easier to make an informed decision.

Remember that emotional abuse is not your fault, and you have the right to seek help and support. It is important to take steps to stop emotional abuse in your relationship, as it is to prioritise your safety and well-being.

The Importance Of Setting Boundaries And Seeking Healthy Relationships:

It is important to set boundaries in any relationship and to seek out healthy, respectful relationships. This can involve setting limits on what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship, and seeking out relationships that are based on mutual respect and support.

It’s essential for couples to be able to confront disagreements in a relationship, to be able to find a respectful resolution to any issues they may be facing. Yet it’s really difficult to do this if you’re too agreeable and concerned with pleasing others.

Each partner needs to be able to speak their own truth respectfully without trying to dominate, control or manipulate the other. Sounds so commonsensical to say it, yet when you have low self-esteem you’re down on yourself and you put your partner on a pedestal - which isn’t equal in terms of power. To be equal, you both need to have a healthy level of self-esteem.

And this is an area where like attracts like: meaning people with healthy self-esteem tend to attract other people with healthy self-esteem and people with low levels of self-esteem tend to attract others with low self-esteem, INCLUDING NARCISSISTS.

SO if you have low levels of self-esteem it’s really important to grow your levels of self-esteem to a healthy level.

Resources For Those Experiencing Emotional Abuse:

There are many resources available for those experiencing emotional abuse, including domestic violence hotlines, therapy, counseling services and a host of on-line resources too. It is important to reach out for help and support if you think you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship and, often overlooked, it’s really important to understand the role you play in attracting a narcissist.

If you’d like to test your levels of self-esteem, there’s a quick and entirely confidential test on my page HERE.

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Please take care of yourself. It is important to prioritise your own self-care, which can include practicing self-compassion, engaging in activities that bring you joy, getting enough rest, eating a healthy diet, and engaging in regular exercise or physical activity. It’s bloody amazing the positive impact these things have on us and it’s equally amazing how our negative beliefs sabotage us form being able to be consistent in doing these things for ourselves.

If you have low self-esteem, please educate yourself on how this can hold you back in life, because you can change it for good, it just takes a specific approach. But it’s so worth it.

Loves you boyo.

Will

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